Migraine Notebook

Forgive me for ranting - But i have a daily problem going on that ticks me off -
Every time I’am with my brother, he always has to try to compromise with me. About cleaning, when it comes to do dishes he would say “you should do the dishes or you should cook” or vise verse. And it’s mere logical facts that he argues about food, and dirty dishes and who gets to cook dinner meals everyday. In my mind its mere Fat lazy behavior is what he has become. It’s simplistic disguising. his fucking mind is wormhole wrapped in the old pass when we were in our childhood. Psychological he thinks it is okay and it’s a okay life to live and still practice it as a daily ritual. I don’t see why he could exercises for his health benefits. but he choose “Not” to. I don’t see why he would not evolve his mind to “just do it”. In the act of the same way I did it without anyone’s help, and I can recall when he was on his fat ass, I asked for his help to give me countless helping hand to clean, cook, and sadly do dirty dishes. He gave me “no answer. Ignoring me, and selfishly being lazy playing his 24/7 online Video Games. As i was being moody of his fatness behavior and still yet no Justification among an individual. but i thinking the health problems is the judgement he has created for himself. I just love the mere logic “Cause and Effect” in my thoughts. To him its normal psychological behavior, and he seek no improvement what’s so ever.

How did we end up this way?
Ever since you lifted away,
there is so much distance between us.
But what I feel from your words are meant from your heart.

If you love some one,
you let them go
when you let them go,
and they return to you,
you can call them yours.

When I lost my eye sight,
I could no longer see the trust,
when I use my hands to feel,
I could no longer feel the difference, when I use my heart to know the truth,
i could see the trust,
I could feel what was real,
and my heart is what I found…is you.

May you find my spirit in the gentle arms of sleep.
Despite the wolves outside your door,
in time you will find them as harmless like me.

I walk along this lonely path
With just the pieces that you left
I’m sure I will find “me” somewhere
I seem to have been theft

Oh, here is my personality
That used to be so charming
I find it decaying in the grass
Some would find it quite alarming

As I continue walking this path
I find small pieces of my soul
It used to be so loving and caring
But now is filled with a black hole

Up ahead I can see two objects
Hidden so high in a large tree
These eyes that used to stare at you
Now have forever abandoned me

I walk a little further,
I just found my right hand
The one that always held yours
And proved to others, I was your man

I bend over to pick up another piece,
I’ve found my lips, that were so soft
Always kissing your forehead goodnight
And I would never use them to scoff

I almost have all of the pieces
But I am still missing the biggest one
So I continue walking the cold path
Wishing this nightmare would be done

I can see an object, torn to pieces
Barely moving in the dirt
I gather the pieces and hold it close
And wipe away the blood with my shirt

I have finally found my heart again
And now that I have all the pieces of “me”
I’m going to walk away with tears
And force myself to be happy…

When I emerge in a mirror
The semblance I see
Face-to-face with a stranger
The spurious I call me

Laughter and high spirits
A heart replete with song
When out for a meander
Your love followed along

Months draw closer
And then make way
I lament the season
When your love went away

When I emerge in a mirror
The semblance I see
Face-to-face with a stranger
The spurious I call me

I speak.
It seems in foreign tongue.
No one has heard me.
The silence won.

It seems the Quite,
Lets it all out,
The Softest Scream,
Comes spilling out.

The darkest light,
Inside my head.
I Picture myself,
Already dead.

You tell me to breath,
I Inhale And gasp.
Falling deeper,
Into this grasp.

I wish you knew,
Our I wish i could tell.
I know you know me,
You know me well.

I hate goodbye’s,
But this, its the only way.

I had to pay the price,
It was coming one day.

Of all the pain, I locked
up inside, I Could no longer fight it,
It wouldn’t hide.

And the Mess of my life,
I’m finally Cleaning up.
I couldn’t deal,
Enough was enough.

I’m sorry dear love,
I’m sorry I couldn’t wait.
The darkness was coming,
And not a second to late.

It swallowed me whole,
Chewed me alive.
I’ve made it pretty far,
I’m surprised I’ve so far survived.
I guess i could run,
But i never could hide.

Im tired of numb.
I’m sick of the hate.
I’m tired of running,
From something
I’ve made.

The mirrors are the enemy,
The word is the cure,
I’ve grown far to hopeless,
To be stable, and secure.

I’ve given up hope’s.
I watched them snatch my dreams.
Rip me up, Tear away my seems.
Embedded Fear into the depths of my
soul.

Losing power, As Depressing
Takes its toll.
I never understood, How some
Could just simply smile,
Not being fake,
Not for a short while.

How others rebuilt,
As i burned to the ground.
How others could laugh,
But me? Not a sound.
I’m trapped behind
A wall, Made of
Emotionless Steele.
Begging for mercy,
Just to feel.

I’m all out of words,
They never meant much.
I’m losing ground,
Way out of touch.
There isn’t any hope,
I’m afraid its to late.
My body is broken..
Their’s not much more
It can take.

I’m sick of being broken,
And tired of being sick.
I need a new solution.
And I found one pretty quick.

And as i finally let go,
And Started to fall asleep.
I guess the reality of all,
Made me start to weep.

Of all the people,
I thought i could trust.
What i thought was love,
Was merely lust.
I found i was right,
It was always just me,
To scared to Be enslaved,
Begging to be free.

Of all i knew, was all in my head.
All of your words,
You never have said.

I made up this dream,
In which now it shall end.
Goodbye to Mask’s.
Goodbye to pretend.

The wall…
is it there,
is it strong,
or did it crack,
the one i built.

I don’t want just anyone
coming through,
taken advantage of my kindness,
my greatness that people love so much,
to steal me or my heart.

I wanna love,
and so many can shine,
in disguise,
so which one is right,
which is my bright shining star.

I have seen my wall,
it’s not too strong,
for it’s been broken
in too many spots,
I must go back,
and rebuild a thick,strong,
steel wall all around me,
trapping me within,
like a turtle in a shell.

Don’t tell anyone
that i have a peep hole
that they could easily sneak thorough,
This wall i will rebuild,
must be strong,
to conceal,
all the pain and
the wrong.

The wall…
is it there,
is it strong,
or did it crack,
the one i built,
long ago.

We hardly ever said good bye on the phone or during visits. Instead we said more of” See you later.” I’ll see you again one day. See you later.

I know its hard to tell how mixed up I feel. Hoping what I need is behind every close door. Each time I get hurt, I don’t want to change. Because everyone has hopes, wishing I were someone else, feeling as though I never belong. This feeling is not sadness. This feeling is not joy. I truly understand. I don’t want to hate for all the hurts that I feel.

Hináanii nishłí dasétsąą nít’éé’, nidi k’ad shoo, ahóyéeláágóó hinishná. T’áá ákót’ée doo. Anoonééł áádóó ch’ìídiitah bibee ąąńdítìhí shee hólò.

last night i dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm,
Just another false alarm. - the smiths

Being in love with someone, who doesn’t even know, you exist isn’t the worst thing in the world.